Giant carnivorous trees sighted: Be vigilant!

First-hand account

A team of experts has been deployed to the Cryptwoods to scour for signs of a breeding population. In the meantime, authorities are advising the public to steer clear of the forest surrounding Richins Peak until a thorough sweep has been conducted.

“You’ll stay off that mountain if you know what’s good for ya,” said Gregory J. Rutherford, the Park Ranger leading up the search for additional GCTs. “Especially if you value your toes! I had all twelve before this here devil was found. You wanna know how many I have now? THREE!” Mr. Rutherford then proceeded to hold up his left foot and rip off his hiking boot, at which point in time the Chronicle was able to confirm the accuracy of his claim of only possessing three toes.

If, for whatever reason, you must explore the woods around Richins Peak, please keep the following info in mind to protect yourself against GCTs, as well as safeguard both your digits and your body from being devoured down like a delicious dark chocolate donut.

Physical traits

Oftentimes, it can be hard to tell GCTs from their normal, less bitey counterparts. But thankfully, no matter what species you’re looking at, all the creatures share a few distinct physical features that help make identifying them easier.

• GCTs are a lot shorter than normal trees, and their trunks are much fatter. This is to make room for the massive wooden stomach that fills the interior of their trunk.
• All GCTs have a pair of branches in the front with long, claw-like twigs that stick out of the end like fingers. They’re used to grab unsuspecting children as they bounce about through the woods, playing tag.
• If you stare closely at the bark on the front of a GCT, you can make out a pair of dark eyes and a jagged mouth full of splintery teeth.

Signs of a GCT

There are a few specific signs you can use to help determine whether a GCT has taken up residence near you.

• Thick globs of brown drool puddling on the ground — When GCTs get hungry, their mouth runs like a goopy faucet.
• Deep, choppy rumbles — When GCTs sense prey is near, the sound of their tummy grumbles are loud enough to make the ground shake. (Think an extra loud garbage disposal with bass.)
• A sudden lack of small mammals, birds, and insects — GCTs are forever hungry and utterly indiscriminate about what they eat.